Sweet Cari

I have been pondering all week on what to write about next...and I can not bring myself to write on anything else until I open up to Cari (per her request). I like to tell myself that I would do anything for my friends, and if I truly mean it, the least I can do (besides pray) is let her know how Caden's life and death has affected me.

Cari,
There are too many thoughts and feelings that I have regarding the loss of your sweet baby girl. Where does one begin to describe the impact that a life (and death) could have on another person? I am not someone to openly talk about my feelings, especially ones that are filled with grief and pain, so I want you to know this is not easy for me to simplify into words and sentences.

When I think of Caden, I picture her in your arms walking around church with her facing out to see everyone...with a huge smile. Every time I saw Caden I had to look for that cute little roll she had on one arm! I don't have one memory of her even crying. She was so happy and content and the only thing I saw her bring to people's lives was joy. Simply joy.

I find it hard to believe that I will soon experience the same joy and excitement you did after Caden was born. I can't help but to feel guilty that I will be bringing a baby into this world, when yours has already come and gone so quickly. She was so precious. I know you are happy for me but it just doesn't seem fair. I have to admit that I don't like to use that word, but it comes to mind for two reasons. The first reason I already mentioned and that is because I am going to experience the joy of a baby. Secondly, it isn't fair because I see how God is working in your life and I am jealous for the relationship you are growing with Him. Let me further explain...it's not fair that you have to suffer in pain for your daughter so others will wake up and realize the relationship they are lacking with Him. I am grateful I have been given the chance to realize I need to make some life changes. I would like to think that when my life is all said and done, that it actually had an impact on others lives the way Caden's did. And to think she was only here for 8 months and I have been here for 23 years...

You are so caring to others that you came to tell me you were praying for me, as I come nearer to the end of pregnancy. One never realizes how short life really is, until one is taken away so unexpectantly. That scares me. I'm responsible for bringing another life into this world, not knowing how much time we will have together. Time is much more precious than I think. This past month I have been reevaluating what I spend my time on. If anything, I have come to the realization that I need to reprioritize my life with what really matters in the short time we are here on earth.

I am blessed and thankful to have such a caring and supportive friend, even when you are going through the roughest time. Thank you for letting God work through your life so others could witness such a wonderful miracle. I hurt for you and cry for you. My heart is heavy and filled with sadness that Caden did not get to spend more time with such wonderful parents. But I keep having to remind myself what you said at her funeral: She did not experience pain, or sadness, or anything of the like (except for maybe hunger), and now she is in Heaven and getting to experience what it's like to be with Jesus. I'm sorry for your loss and can't even fathom what you are truly going through.

AJ and I love you and want to be there for you. We love to hear stories about Caden so please don't stop telling them! Thanks for being an inspiration to so many people. I know God is working in many people's lives because of the example you and Andy have set.

Here are a few verses that I have been dwelling on lately.
John 14:21 "Whoever has my commands and obeys them, he is the one who loves me. He who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I too will love him and show myself to him."
Matthew 6:33-34 "But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."