some news

Since I am not creative and it is probably not a surprise to many people anymore, I am just going to say that...Ari is going to be a big brother!

I am relieved to have finally said it so that people know it's not a secret, but at the same time I have been dreading this post for a while. (Which is why I have procrastinated for so long!) That probably sounds absolutely ridiculous but for the past year I have been dreading the question that so many people found necessary to ask us "Are you pregnant?" With them naturally assuming it was our decision to not have another child yet. It's a hard thing to swallow when you know things don't go as you planned. Fortunately we have the hope that God's plan is much bigger than ours and just have to trust in it. But that's not easy either. It's just something we have learned to do month after month, negative test after negative test, after a miscarriage, and an entire year of trying.

To be completely honest, it's easy to think God's plan is so great when it is going my way, or at least how I thought it should go. It is shameful how much I struggled this past year...not trusting God. I got to the point of questioning whether it was even worth praying about because I figured God was just going to do whatever He wanted anyway. I was so stubborn and hard-hearted. I was jealous and heart broken.

I am reminded in Isaiah 55:8-9 that God does have a plan and it is much more than we can imagine. '"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways", declares the Lord. As the Heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.'

On the other hand, I feel so guilty even writing this because I know there are lots of women out there who have struggled with infertility for many years, or who have lost a child. And I just think that my situation could be so much worse than it is. I should be happy with the one healthy child I have.

Jeremiah 29:11 says '"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'

I have no idea what God is trying to accomplish in my life, but I can't let one year of it go to waste because it didn't turn out the way I wanted. He is the only one who knows what our future holds, whether it's a large family that I always dreamed of, or not. So I will continue to hold on to His promise in Proverbs 3:5-6.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight."